Lost

Without a doubt, today has been the worst day of my life.. I am extremely depressed, sensitive to everything, anxiety filled to the max, thinking Im a bother, afraid to talk to anyone, confused and I am now wondering how much longer I can go on like this. I even deactivated and reactivated my twitter account.. But I had to get away from some of my followers as there was some innapropriate messages being sent my way, not to mention one other family related thing

This is so DAM ridiculous.. people have much worse problems than I, but my mind is fixated on one stupid subject..... ME... ME ME ME ME ME... Im a jealous, greedy and undeserving person of what I have in my life... Yes, Im beating myself up.. Im better than this, I'm a good a person, why can't I just stop worrying?? I have 3 beautiful children.. I have a loving wife, I have the world basically but I'm still lost. I've went through 3 sessions of behavior cognitive therapy and none of my "exercises" are working.... I know my medication is failing me and I am praying to God as much as possible to help me but it is not working... Have you ever felt like you are stuck in a never ending nightmare that just feels like you are never going to recover?? That is me right now, I dread waking up tommorrow morning because Im afraid I will feel this same way.. I've went to bed the past 3 nights saying to myself "Matt you're gonna wake up better the next day" but the next day comes and I don't.. I try, I honestly do, but just when I thought i was making a leap for the better I have sunk back to the bottom again.. Im going to lose the woman I love if I cannot get out of this rut.. I'm ashamed to post this because I am usually a very upbeat and positive person, but right now, I am just completely Lost.. Is it the holidays?? the winter blues?? Constant worrying about what others think about me??..... Maybe someone out there will stumble upon this blog and offer some advice, because I am truly out of options... Im failing as a father, a husband and a friend to many people... Thank you for taking the time to read my rambles and I am truly sorry for being such a downer, but we all go through this in our life and right now is a time I'd much rather forget.... However, It does feel a little better to get it out...

Ciao for now

Matt

Marriage..

For 13 years I have been Married to the woman I love.. She gave me these 3 beautiful blessings.. :)

while it has been a trouble free and most passionate marriage, we have lost a litle bit of the the "spark" that we had. I honestly think it happens to every married couple at some point, we have just hit ours.... We had a very long talk yesterday morning, it was an hour to be exact and we both agreed we needed something to get our marriage going strong!! Don't get me wrong, we are never seperating, it's just that sometimes you hit a "stalemate" if you will and things just get boring... You come home with the same routines, dinner, kids, bed.... then Repeat.. It's Like the movie groudhog day but in real life. :) Anna is a very happy person, I've never really spoken about her in this blog until now.. She came from a very rough childhood with a Mother that didn't and to this day Still doesn't care.. Her Father was there for her But if you put Anna with the rest of her family, it's like a golden apple sticking out from a bunch of sour ones.... To this day I ask her if she was adopted!!! She is NOTHING... NOTHING like her brothers, and her mother.. Her father is okay, he at least comes around and stays in contact..

Back to our "talk" we both agreed to start seeing a marriage counselor.. Wow, talk about a mess, Im seeing a behavior Cognitive Therapist and now we are going to marriage counseling lol... But it isn't as bad as it sounds.. I believe our love is very strong and unconditional, we just need some "guidance" on how to get that spark reignited.. and we both agreed on that very fact.. :) This has been a rough past 2 months for me, full of breakdowns, insecurity, overractions, and at some times terror... Everyone has their personal demons and I am not ashamed to admit mine.. I'm not crazy, I'm human.. I do not want to be a part of anyone's life that claims their own life is perfect, because such a life doesn't exist... But what we make of ourselves is up to US and us only..I will close now with probably my most favorite picture EVER taken of my wife and my two girls.. You can truly see how blessed I am to be married to this wonderful woman and I am so happy that we are taking steps to "feel like newlyweds" again.. Thanks for reading.. I swear one of these days I will do a positive blog but getting these thoughts out on paper.... errrrrrr screen, really help me relax...

My beautiful bride and my two girls minus one ADD boy. :)

(Please pardon my stupidity but I cannot figure out how to move pictures to where I want them.... My beautiful bride is up top.. :P)

Ciao for now..

Matt

It's the times like tonight...

That I know I have done something right.. My heart is so filled with joy right now and it seems almost unbelieveable that it is all attributed to some words that came out of my 14 year old daughters mouth..

Tonight Ashley had her boyfriend over.. Yes I wont lie, I was a little nervous and very precautious but I said to myself, "Matt You trust this beautiful girl, let her go on her own and make her own decisions". So I sat downstairs and left them alone, passing the time looking at some weather info and social networking.. All in all he was here for over 3 hours!! I talked to him a few times and it's one of those instant "I like this kid" vibes that I get from him... I can spot a good from a bad person a mile away and this kid is a good one..

Anyway, his Dad came (who happens to be a high school buddy of mine) to pick him up, we chatted and Harrison was very polite in saying, "thanks for letting me come over!!" I told him "Anytime Buddy". I then let my fatherly instincts take over, I took Ashley into a room and shut the door.. She was looking at me like she had done something wrong, I instantly calmed her and said "Sweetie, I don't want to be intrusive but did you and Harrison have any interaction?" She said, "Yes we kissed 3 times" I said "is that all"?? ****Warning very emotional moment coming lol**** This was her response::::: "Daddy, I know about sex, i do not want to become a teenage mom, I have a whole life ahead of me and I want to make you and mommy proud of me".. She also went on to say she did not want to contract any diseases...

So being the emotional guy I am I started crying right on the spot and she asked what was wrong, i said.... "You have just made me the proudest father on the planet" and we proceeded with a hug that felt like it lasted a lifetime...

I have a ton of friends that were teenage mothers, My own wife was. Everyone of them turned out stronger and nothing but the better for it, God has a plan for ALL of us no matter what, but to hear my daughter at 14 know what she wants out of life just floored me... She isn't 14 to me tonight, she isnt a little girl anymore.. She is a woman.. And for this very reason I can safely say....... I am a proud papa this December 8th of 2010. I will never forget this day.. :)

Thanks for listening to my rant... Just wanted to get this out..:)

Ciao for now

Matt OUT..

Will I ever be okay..??

I wish I had the answers, I wish I knew.. But, I don't. Sometimes I can hide it, sometimes I can't. Perhaps getting it out on writing will make me feel better? I am having a horrible time right now with what I believe to be anxiety medication withdrawl's.. The real me is locked up right now, trapped, trying to get out.. People in the past week have seen sides of me that were NOT ME, and yes, God help me, my children have seen these sides.. I hate these medicines that my Dr has put me on. They were supposed to help me, not hurt me??.... I try to get up in the morning with a positive attitude, but I can't get past the chemical imbalance that these terrible anti anxiety drugs have caused. I am constantly worrying right now to the point of exhaustion.. What am I worrying about? Everything.. My family, my friends, myself.. To put it in laymans terms, I am a mess and I need cleaned up.. This is NOT fair for my wife and my children and I hate myself for putting them through this.. I basically have nobody to talk to and I worry that I will bother someone if I do.. My mother has been a godsend and she helps whenever she can, but my father is just clueless.. I love him to death but he doesn't understand that sometimes you just can't think these types of problems away. So in an effort to free the trapped REAL me (if you will) I have taken the inititiave to get myself well!! I had my first appointment last week with a cognitive behavior therapist.. My second appointment is tommorrow and I pray to God that she can help me retrain my mind into thinking more positive and stopping the negative thoughts as they enter my mind.

I am excited and nervous about this opportunity.. She tells me that it is never too late to retrain your mind and body to a more positive atmosphere, but it feels like it is so impossible to do. I can't really describe the feeling other how I feel.. As I write this I feel very ashamed of myself because there are other people out there with much deeper problems than me.. If you happen to come across this blog entry and you yourself feel this way, let me know.. I understand, believe me I do.. I care so much for others that suffer through this, as it is truly HELL.. But even Hell doesn't last forever.. Brighter shores and greener pastures are out there waiting for me.. I am going to beat this, and I'm going to be back better than ever.. there will be ups and downs, but I will take the hits as they come and hit right back.. :)

Thanks for reading
Ciao for now
Matt

Why I suck as a friend.

This is not a guilt post, this is not a lets feel sorry for Matt post.. This is me putting all of my negative qualitys for the entire blogging world to see... Yesterday I had a horrible day.. My cousin who I thought I could trust lied to me.. It wasn't the fact that he lied, which I already wont tolerate from ANYONE, it was what he lied about that devestated me.. How could someone tell me their son has cancer and needs medical help, when it was a ploy all along to get money from me for his drug addiction...It's truly staggering to me that just when you think you know someone who you have have known all of your life does this.. I am a devout christian and I am having a tough time today asking God for forgiveness because I am not sure if I can ever forgive this.. The worst part is that his son really does have leukemia, but my money wasn't used for his well being, but for a habit... I am really struggling right now on if I should feel sorry for him, or pray for him.

Anyway I then let these feelings linger on through the day and every negative quality I have just poured out the rest of the day.. I am afraid I have damaged another friendship because I was putting my own selfish needs first when it was in fact a time when I should have been there and supportive for the other friend who has shown nothing but love for me and my wife since the day we met... My wife and I do not let many people into our lives, and the people we do let in are there for one reason.. We see something in those people/person that wants us to lean and be leaned on for when they/them are in a time of need.. But that is not the most important quality.. Rare it is when these special people come along because this world, unfortunately, is full of theives, liars, manipulators and scammers.. I know I'm only 35 but I have seen enough to know how to read people... So when you find those people/person's you need to hold on tight and never let go, because it just doesn't happen often..

Perhaps my most horrible trait that HAS TO STOP is meddling in my wife's life and affairs.. Anna is very vunerable to being used, she cannot view this blog so I am not upset in saying that she is rather nieve when it comes to the outside world... I truly love her with all of my heart but I do not know when the time for me is going to come when I am going to stop worrying about her and let her lead her own life,... Last night I once again meddled in her affairs.. Feeling jealous, confused and questioning someone that I had no right to question.. I didn't sleep all night, I tossed and turned, why?? I can tell you why, because once again, I screwed up, and as a Man I must admit this... Don't ever shy away from your mistakes, those who admit their faults are much much more human than those who deny they have any.. I, have many faults... Oversensitivity, Impulsiveness, Assumptions that are not true, the list goes on...... and on...Perhaps my biggest fault is jealousy.. Jealousy for my wife.. This is a horrible feeling and one that eats at me everyday... "Is Anna putting a good impression in"? "Do people truly like my wife or do they feel sorry for her?" "Is she saying the right things"? It is truly ridiculous that I feel this way and I would chop off my right arm to just have this feeling disappear, but this is reality not fiction.. I must figure out how to trust the woman I love and letting her lead her own life instead of forcing things onto her. Because, quite frankly, if I continue this childish behavior I may lose her...And last night, she made that very clear to me..

I hope I don't lose any friends whether it be from Twitter or from real life over this, because Twitter really has made me laugh over the past year/half.. But Sometimes it is much easier for me to get my feelings out in writing rather than words... I hope I didn't bore you all to death, I will leave you with this phrase... Love one, Love all but most important Love each other...Without companionship the soul is empty..


This is Matt (yes i swear Im a guy, but with deep emotions that Im not afraid to admit), Signing off...
Ciao

A 12 year road ended for me today!!!

All of my 2 followers that read this, if you even do, will be happy to know that today I reached a MILESTONE.. Sure, it's pretty insignificant in others lives, but in mine.... WOW!!

12 years ago I stumbled across a Nationally Syndicated Sports talk show called The Jim Rome Show... Locally he is on 1260 Wnde A.M. He instantly grew on me because this guy KNOWS.HIS.STUFF about everything sports related.. He has a very unique show, if you've heard it then you know his style, if you haven't, then you need to give him a couple of weeks so you can get used to his "style" which is quite different from most other wannabe sports radio hosts.

Anyway, Jim doesn't like taking phone calls because most of the callers just suck, so the only really good way to get through to him is email.... Until Twitter came along.. :) He hated twitter at first, then it grew on him and now he periodically reads tweets @him on the show... We are only talking 2-3 tweets each show IF THAT..

After 12 years of trying to get through to Jim and MANY MANY of my friends who have failed he read one of my tweets on air today!!!!!! Over 2 million of his listeners heard this tweet.... @jimrome Dear Wade, hit it again... Sincerely, the ejection seat on Jer Jer's private plane....MattinIndy... Now, Let me explain what this tweet meant for the non listener... Jim is a HUGE fan of Die Hard with Bruce Willis... He loves the scene where Hans Gruber tells his lacky terrorist buddys to send another rocket hurtling towards that tank in the plaza.. Wade stood for Wade Phillips as in the EX Cowboys coach who was just fired and Jer Jer was Jerry Jones, the owner of the Cowboy organization... So, essentially, I was using the 'Jim Rome' language that is used on his show as a showing by me that Wade Phillips was gonna get fired today.. (which he did a few hours ago)

So, in my mind, I reached stardom today.. I know people will read this, shake their heads and think "wow what a loser!!!" but in the end over a MILLION people heard my tweet to Jim Rome's world wide nationally syndicated talk show today, and it completely made my day... Now, I will go back out and try to find a life.. ;)

Here is the proof Im not lying... He archives all of his read tweets on the air and puts them on his website... MattyG is right izup there boyeeee.. ;)

http://www.jimrome.com/pages/twitter-clones

Until next time...

Ciao for now.

Matt O-U-T

The Man............ In Black

Okay first off, if you don't know what the title of my blog means then you shouldn't even be here.. Second, there is No other singer in the world that I love more than the Late, Great, Man in Black himself... Mr. Johnny Cash

I admire Johnny for so many reasons.

1. He came from a rough childhood and made a huge success out of himself
2. He was a Native American Artifact Hunter!!!! (Something I WILL get into in future blogs)
3. He was able to overcome horrible addictions and better himself.
4. He fought for June Carter Cash until she finally succumbed into marrying him (Something I dearly admire, never give up on your dreams.. without them, the imagination is just empty.)
5. He had theeee MOST UNIQUE voice of any singer, and still to this day does!!!
6. He understood that everyone messes up and gets into bad situations in their life, hence his still Highest selling Live Album from Folsom Prison..

I've only highlited 6 reasons why I most admire the man, but the biggest reason I admire him is he sang true to his heart. If you study the lyrics of his songs he was a true God fearing, faith believing, just all around legend that didn't care if some of his songs were misconcieved by the public.. He did it HIS way, and HIS way only... That, my friends is something that is lacking in today's music world.. Too many artists want to "appease" the fanbase.. Johnny most defintely appeased the fanbase, but he did it on his own terms. Just look at how many of his producers and investors were against the Folsom Prison Live album!! Johnny did NOT care.. He went in, sang his heart out and the inmates there loved him for it.. Now don't get me wrong, I know some of the inmates probably did horrible things but Johnny looked past that. He reached into the depths of his soul and gave them a small taste of the outside world.. Something that some of them had not seen for YEARS..

In the end, Johnny was the best.. I listen to his music every day while I'm working and he STILL gives me goosebumps when I here my favorite song, 'I Walk the Line'

Here's to you Johnny.. I know you and June are in heaven together.. As you were always meant to be.. :)

Ciao for now

Matt

Social Network update...

Rather than make my few followers suffer I will just say this.... FAIL... I made it 4 days before I had to see all the latest goings on from my friends.. It is apparant now that I am stuck probably forever in a social web of Twitter and Facebook. Im like a bug in a spider web.. The more I try to get away, the quicker my prey pounces on me and consumes me.. Soooo in short, Addiction is here, and addiction is to stay...

Tune in later, I am going to divulge what warped haloween costume I will be wearing at a Huge Haloween party Anna and I are attending this weekend...

Ciao for now.

Matt

Wow!! I have discovered something!!!

I have discovered something that I'm sure nobody has ever heard of.. Seriously, this is something everyone should try.. I have been reading alot more and I really enjoy it!!! It's a nice refreshing break from my eyes scanning a electronic screen.. I've also been spending alot more time with my children, something that I will admit was lacking a little before.. Of course my daughter being of such pre teen drama is devestated that I deactivated my facebook account because I "dropped" her friend numbers by 1.. In her world, it's a tragedy, in mine it's much needed relief from the device that seems to have taken over humanity... The COMPUTER..

I know, I know, you are thinking to yourself "Matt, you are on a computer right now writing this blog post", fair enough. I can tell you that I have only been on a computer to check my email and to write this post, and that has been about all... Yes, as soon as I turned the computer on my instinctive habits came in to click the Facebook tab on my favorites bar.. That right there tells me that while Facebook and Twitter are meant for entertainment, they are also addictive... I'm not writing them off forever, but I am using this time to better myself for the sake of my family... Day's 5-9 are coming up this week.. This is when the real withdrawls set in.. :)

Ciao for now.

Matt

My world without Social networking for a time..

I made a decision earlier today to eliminate social networking from my life for a time.. Social Networking has not only brought me New WONDERFUL friends, it has also caused way to much time spent on sights like Facebook and Twitter.. Don't get me wrong, I am not done with FB and Twitter as I have very close friends on both, but I believe that everyone needs to take a break and return to basics once in awhile.. So for a time, I thought i would update this blog and log myself on how I am doing without the world of social networking.. My goal is to focus on myself, my children and my wife lots more than what I normally do, becuase quite frankly, I am just on these sights to much and it creates non needed anxiety in my life... I've tried this route before and I only made it 2 days, so we will see where this adventure leads me...

I will update as time allows.. Not sure if anyone even cares how Im coping with such a 'tragic loss' lol but I will throw my thoughts out there and maybe someone can appreciate them...

So, here I go!!! I need to retrain myself not to click on the Facebook and Twitter tab on my computer, not to click on the facebook tab or Echofon on my Iphone, and I need to retrain myself to Get to things I would like to accomplish with my life.. so for now adios to social networking and hello to life before Facebook and Twitter!!! Wish me luck. :)

Ciao for now.

Matt

It's an Anxiety World Afterall

So there I was yesterday, getting ready for church, looking forward to football afterward and BAM it hit me... My heart started racing, my mind started wondering and the racing thoughts of constant fear hit me all at once... Nothing even preempted this, but I have been through it far to often to recognize what it was.. I was having a pretty intense panic attack.. I have been an anxiety sufferer for 20+ years.. I still remember the first day in 5th grade that it started, that was way back before these conditions were even diagnosed... I went through High School with the condition and every day was a challenge for me.. Some Days I was an absolute wreck at School, some days I wasn't.. This isn't a 'oh I'm so sorry Matt' type of entry.. this is an entry to help maybe just one person that reads this to understand if a loved one or a friend may suffer from a mild-severe anxiety disorder...

The number one thing you cannot say to an anxiety sufferer is that you understand. If you don't suffer this condition then you just don't understand.. This is a beast of a whole different animal.. The physical and mental changes that these disorders can cause can be just devastating. In severe cases a person may not even be able to leave the house because of one of a bazillion possible fears... I can't tell you how giddy I was when my Dr. first told me that I am pretty high up there on the anxiety scale for a male.. Boy, thanks Dr.!! do I get a discount for being special? Hell no of course.. I often wonder if this is my main challenge in life, if it is then I would rather attempt to swim the Atlantic in shark infested waters..... Okay, Okay no I wouldn't but I would consider it if they had Frigging Laser Beams.. I have been through just about ever medication that you can think of and i have the same result with all of them, my body adjusts to it and they stop working after a period of time.. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to grow oversize teeth and develop a cheese diet.. I guess you could call me Matt the Rat... That is exactly what I feel like sometimes, a Lab Rat... I wonder why I cannot beat this on my own, Lord knows I've tried.. It wouldn't phase me if Kate Beckinsale was standing in front of me during an attack, nothing would work to get me out of it..(well if she was naked it would maybe drop it from severe to moderate) I just have to let it run its course and wonder if I'm going to get hit at again at some awkward moment.. I have a wife that trys to understand and sometimes I wonder if she would be better off without me because when I go through a spell, she takes quite a harsh beating word wise.. She knows when to sit with me and when to back off.. It's not fair to her that she has to see this and deal with it.. But I guess for Better or Worse, right?

If you happen to find this post and you know someone with this disorder than you have probably seen it all, but if you haven't then chances are you have. The reason I say that is because Anxiety sufferers can sometimes hide it VERY well. My theory on this is because we are so preoccupied with what is going on in our minds and our physical body that we give ourselves complete attention, detailing every little detail and analyzing every little move that we make. However, there are some signs that people cannot hide.. If people tend to disappear from large crowds without notice, they might suffer.. If you have preset plans with someone and they back out at the last minute, they might suffer, now I realize perfectly normal people do this quite often but Anxiety persons do it MUCH MUCH more frequently... With Anxiety the situation has to be 'right'.. If the situation or event doesn't feel right, or if the person felt good about it early in the day then changed their mind right before, then they will back out.. It's not their fault, as I am guilty of it myself, it's just a insecure feeling that the person will not be able to control and hide their fears in front of strangers or even friends. Some people give off telltale signs that they are struggling.. If your conversing with someone and the subject changes like 10 times every 5 seconds, then they might suffer.. That would mean their mind might be racing.. If you see a person disappearing quite often then they might suffer.. this would be because escape is the only cure for an episode.. I know back in the older days I would count down the hours until the event was over.. After it was over I was absolutely fine... There are countless other ways to tell, but I won't go into them here..

I wrote this entry today because I still haven't recovered fully from yesterday's massive attack.. nothing brought it on, absolutely NOTHING. I was just getting dressed and it hit.. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't feel pity, but dammit sometimes i just feel ANGER.. then I sit back and realize how much worse I could actually have it.. If God has designated this as my life challenge, then I hope someday I can pass the test.... Thanks for reading. :) Ciao for now


Matt

Lets continue shall we??

I have had a really bad anxiety filled day today One of my worst ones in months, and it's one of those that has no rhyme or reason, it just has been terrible today... I'm not afraid to say that I do suffer from an Anxiety disorder that has plagued my entire life from 5th grade through this very moment.. Then I thought to myself, Matt don't let it get you down today, introduce your readers to the family one at a time... You have already met Ashley my 14 year old now I would like to introduce you to Katie.. My beautiful 11 year old.

Katie was born on July 19th 1999. I can remember the day that Anna came out of the bathroom with a very nervous look on her face.. She had her hands behind her back and she whipped out the pregnancy test strip that was super positive lol.. Of course, being a person that needs to be assured like 10 bajillion times, I went out and bought 5 more tests.... All positive.. Katie was not planned and I call her my little miracle because of the simple fact that she was conceived while Anna was on the birth Control shot Depo.. We were told by a Dr. that the chances of this happening were 1 and 10,000!!! I knew from that moment on that this baby was going to be special.. Little did I know all of the tests that were run on Anna to make sure Katie was in fact okay because of the risk's of getting pregnant on Depo..

It was finally time for Katie to meet the world on july 19th 1999.. Anna had to be induced because our Dr. didn't want her to go any longer.. Anna insisted on an ALL Natural childbirth, and by god, she did it!! She was an absolute trooper and I was even more in love with her because of the pain she endured during the delivery!!! Finally the moment came when our little Katie was born and the emotions that were flowing through my body were undescribable.. People always try to explain what you are going to feel when you see your first child born, but it can't be explained.. It is just too great of a feeling to put into words or into a sentence.

Katie is now 11 and she has matured into a beautiful, intelligent, and an absolutely loving person.. She makes the honor roll consistantly, she is a very responsible person, and she absolutely loves playing with younger children.. we call her our little "Mom" in training.. much younger children just flock to her. They love her!! Katie is very much like her Daddy in that she is very emotional. I remember when I was on my way to the hospital for bad chest pains, her sister had to calm her down because she was absolutely terrified, crying, and just scared.. Her sensitivity is off the charts.. We have to be very careful on how we discipline her or she just completely breaks down.. It's a work in progress but in the end I know this young lady is going to amount to something special.. I still and always will call Katie my little "twee-Pee".. As much as I try I just can't stop calling her that..It's a habit and a habit that I don't intend to break...Welp I have to go now, Katie and Eric want to plant a tree out in the yard!!! Speaking of Eric, you will be meeting him in the next entry!! Till then Ciao!!!

Matt

There is no stepfather here, only DAD..

I remember it like it was yesterday.. 12 years ago I had met Anna, my wife. She was very nervous because she didn't know how I would react to her 2 year old, Ashley. I arrived at Anna's apartment and Ashley and I looked at each other.. She reached out for me and I can remember Anna being completely dumbfounded.. She had never reached out to a stranger like that before Anna said. That was the day I became Ashley's FATHER. Notice how I don't name myself a Step-father, because in my eyes the term has no merit in this situation... I'm not going to bash and completely demean her real father but the man just didn't and still doesn't have a clue on what being a real father is all about.. I can remember Anna crying to me as she told me the things he had done in the past, like making her take Ashley with her in a blinding snowstorm because the "Fake Father" was to busy hanging with his buddies. She had also told me about the repeated attempts his mother had made to get Ashley taken away from her.. Basically it was just a living hell for Anna.

Then, I stepped in... I don't want to sound like a superhero here but when I take somebody in as a friend or as a significant other, NOBODY messes with them.. I won't have people taken advantage of that are important to me in my life. Ashley's fake father and his mother were throwing the kitchen sink at Anna, they betrayed her, labeled her, called child services on her and some other things that I can't even mention in this blog. Then the big one hit, she received a letter to appear in court because she supposedly owed him some money for a Dr. Bill.. Fair enough, Anna DID owe him the money. So we went to court, but we had a plan, and it was from that day on he and his momma learned to NEVER mess with me and Anna again.. I payed the money that was owed to him and then proceeded to nail him with a child support increase Of course we are talking about a man that when the first papers were filed, QUIT his job so he would have to pay the minimum support amount of 35 bucks a week. Yeah, that really helps alot. Anna could have bought some real keen DIAPERS with that.... Flash forward to Court. I remember the look we both exchanged with each other in court, we looked like two Boxers about to throw down right there and he knew I had him on the ropes in the 12'th round.. I then just gave him a smirky smile, he then just turned his head and I think he had realized that he finally met his match.. the end result.. the judge lashed at him for non-communication and he raised his support to 50 bucks a week.. Wow, Now Anna could buy the PREMIUM diapers.

Now MY Ashley is 14 years old.... 14!!! She is beautiful, has tons of friends and has the normal problems that every teenager has.. I couldn't be prouder. :) She comes to me if she needs "boy" advice.. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.. But you know what? It makes me just feel... feel.... I can't describe the feeling other than, GOOD, that she comes to me and not to the fake father. But I have to admit, when she goes to his house I feel a sense of loss.. God please forgive me but I want her all to myself, and I know that is wrong but I have also realized I'm going to have to deal with him for her entire life, so it helps me deal with it a little better..

Now unfortunately he has shown his true colors again... Ashley had to get braces, there was no maybe, she HAD to have them. He knew it MANY months in advance and guess who ended up footing the bill? That's right.. Us.. he owes us over 1,000 dollars and it burns my hide that I am going to be forced to walk him into court to make him pay us.. It's not fair to MY daughter, but with this whole situation I think she finally learned about what type of Man he truly is. She really got upset with him for not paying his share, and I hate myself for this, but it made me feel good that she was mad at him... He isn't a father, he just wants her for the good times and doesn't want to foot the bill for when the bad times arise..... That, my friends, isn't a Father.. That is a STEPFATHER...:) Much love to all of the Dad's out there that take care of their responsibility's.. Whether it be to your own biological children, or non-biological.. Love is the only constant that keeps our Fatherly roots fed. :) Until next time... Ciao

Matt

Let Me introduce myself..

Hey blog travelers!!Yes, this is a blog that will talk about life, kids, and everything in between!! My name is Matt.. I am married to my soul mate Anna and we have been blessed with 3 children; Ashley,14 Katie,10 and finally, the tyrant Eric, 7... I love just about everything and everybody... My life is pretty simple, my father and I own and operate an aerification company and yes, we fight just about as much as Lamont and Fred did in Sanford and son. Needless to say without him, I would be lost. Something you will notice about me as you get to know me is that I am a very emotional guy.. I speak my feelings very candidly and I'm never afraid to ever admit my faults..

Some of my loves are deer hunting, Indiana artifact hunting, Fishing, and especially the Weather.. I'm not your typical weather geek, I don't sit around in Louis glasses and do panty raids on Alpha Beta Cheerleaders, I just absolutely love the challenge of trying to predict the weather.. I have a great saying about the weather and this involves everyone.. "Everyone on the planet has to deal with the weather, so you might as well learn a little about it". Other than that I am just a typical Indiana cornfed boy trying to find his way in this crazy world.. If you are my friend I will do ANYTHING for you, no matter the time, day or consequence.. Just don't ask me to murder someone for you because my parole officer wouldn't like that too much.. (kidding kidding..) I've actually never been to jail!! I'm such a goody goody boy and you can most certainly see the halo above my head.. Haaaaaaaa, check that pig out flying over your head!!! This is a new experience for me and no subject will be taboo as far as I'm concerned, so sit back, relax and enjoy the nutty life that is all mine.. Remember, Life is what you make of it..

MattyG