It's an Anxiety World Afterall

So there I was yesterday, getting ready for church, looking forward to football afterward and BAM it hit me... My heart started racing, my mind started wondering and the racing thoughts of constant fear hit me all at once... Nothing even preempted this, but I have been through it far to often to recognize what it was.. I was having a pretty intense panic attack.. I have been an anxiety sufferer for 20+ years.. I still remember the first day in 5th grade that it started, that was way back before these conditions were even diagnosed... I went through High School with the condition and every day was a challenge for me.. Some Days I was an absolute wreck at School, some days I wasn't.. This isn't a 'oh I'm so sorry Matt' type of entry.. this is an entry to help maybe just one person that reads this to understand if a loved one or a friend may suffer from a mild-severe anxiety disorder...

The number one thing you cannot say to an anxiety sufferer is that you understand. If you don't suffer this condition then you just don't understand.. This is a beast of a whole different animal.. The physical and mental changes that these disorders can cause can be just devastating. In severe cases a person may not even be able to leave the house because of one of a bazillion possible fears... I can't tell you how giddy I was when my Dr. first told me that I am pretty high up there on the anxiety scale for a male.. Boy, thanks Dr.!! do I get a discount for being special? Hell no of course.. I often wonder if this is my main challenge in life, if it is then I would rather attempt to swim the Atlantic in shark infested waters..... Okay, Okay no I wouldn't but I would consider it if they had Frigging Laser Beams.. I have been through just about ever medication that you can think of and i have the same result with all of them, my body adjusts to it and they stop working after a period of time.. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to grow oversize teeth and develop a cheese diet.. I guess you could call me Matt the Rat... That is exactly what I feel like sometimes, a Lab Rat... I wonder why I cannot beat this on my own, Lord knows I've tried.. It wouldn't phase me if Kate Beckinsale was standing in front of me during an attack, nothing would work to get me out of it..(well if she was naked it would maybe drop it from severe to moderate) I just have to let it run its course and wonder if I'm going to get hit at again at some awkward moment.. I have a wife that trys to understand and sometimes I wonder if she would be better off without me because when I go through a spell, she takes quite a harsh beating word wise.. She knows when to sit with me and when to back off.. It's not fair to her that she has to see this and deal with it.. But I guess for Better or Worse, right?

If you happen to find this post and you know someone with this disorder than you have probably seen it all, but if you haven't then chances are you have. The reason I say that is because Anxiety sufferers can sometimes hide it VERY well. My theory on this is because we are so preoccupied with what is going on in our minds and our physical body that we give ourselves complete attention, detailing every little detail and analyzing every little move that we make. However, there are some signs that people cannot hide.. If people tend to disappear from large crowds without notice, they might suffer.. If you have preset plans with someone and they back out at the last minute, they might suffer, now I realize perfectly normal people do this quite often but Anxiety persons do it MUCH MUCH more frequently... With Anxiety the situation has to be 'right'.. If the situation or event doesn't feel right, or if the person felt good about it early in the day then changed their mind right before, then they will back out.. It's not their fault, as I am guilty of it myself, it's just a insecure feeling that the person will not be able to control and hide their fears in front of strangers or even friends. Some people give off telltale signs that they are struggling.. If your conversing with someone and the subject changes like 10 times every 5 seconds, then they might suffer.. That would mean their mind might be racing.. If you see a person disappearing quite often then they might suffer.. this would be because escape is the only cure for an episode.. I know back in the older days I would count down the hours until the event was over.. After it was over I was absolutely fine... There are countless other ways to tell, but I won't go into them here..

I wrote this entry today because I still haven't recovered fully from yesterday's massive attack.. nothing brought it on, absolutely NOTHING. I was just getting dressed and it hit.. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't feel pity, but dammit sometimes i just feel ANGER.. then I sit back and realize how much worse I could actually have it.. If God has designated this as my life challenge, then I hope someday I can pass the test.... Thanks for reading. :) Ciao for now


Matt

Lets continue shall we??

I have had a really bad anxiety filled day today One of my worst ones in months, and it's one of those that has no rhyme or reason, it just has been terrible today... I'm not afraid to say that I do suffer from an Anxiety disorder that has plagued my entire life from 5th grade through this very moment.. Then I thought to myself, Matt don't let it get you down today, introduce your readers to the family one at a time... You have already met Ashley my 14 year old now I would like to introduce you to Katie.. My beautiful 11 year old.

Katie was born on July 19th 1999. I can remember the day that Anna came out of the bathroom with a very nervous look on her face.. She had her hands behind her back and she whipped out the pregnancy test strip that was super positive lol.. Of course, being a person that needs to be assured like 10 bajillion times, I went out and bought 5 more tests.... All positive.. Katie was not planned and I call her my little miracle because of the simple fact that she was conceived while Anna was on the birth Control shot Depo.. We were told by a Dr. that the chances of this happening were 1 and 10,000!!! I knew from that moment on that this baby was going to be special.. Little did I know all of the tests that were run on Anna to make sure Katie was in fact okay because of the risk's of getting pregnant on Depo..

It was finally time for Katie to meet the world on july 19th 1999.. Anna had to be induced because our Dr. didn't want her to go any longer.. Anna insisted on an ALL Natural childbirth, and by god, she did it!! She was an absolute trooper and I was even more in love with her because of the pain she endured during the delivery!!! Finally the moment came when our little Katie was born and the emotions that were flowing through my body were undescribable.. People always try to explain what you are going to feel when you see your first child born, but it can't be explained.. It is just too great of a feeling to put into words or into a sentence.

Katie is now 11 and she has matured into a beautiful, intelligent, and an absolutely loving person.. She makes the honor roll consistantly, she is a very responsible person, and she absolutely loves playing with younger children.. we call her our little "Mom" in training.. much younger children just flock to her. They love her!! Katie is very much like her Daddy in that she is very emotional. I remember when I was on my way to the hospital for bad chest pains, her sister had to calm her down because she was absolutely terrified, crying, and just scared.. Her sensitivity is off the charts.. We have to be very careful on how we discipline her or she just completely breaks down.. It's a work in progress but in the end I know this young lady is going to amount to something special.. I still and always will call Katie my little "twee-Pee".. As much as I try I just can't stop calling her that..It's a habit and a habit that I don't intend to break...Welp I have to go now, Katie and Eric want to plant a tree out in the yard!!! Speaking of Eric, you will be meeting him in the next entry!! Till then Ciao!!!

Matt

There is no stepfather here, only DAD..

I remember it like it was yesterday.. 12 years ago I had met Anna, my wife. She was very nervous because she didn't know how I would react to her 2 year old, Ashley. I arrived at Anna's apartment and Ashley and I looked at each other.. She reached out for me and I can remember Anna being completely dumbfounded.. She had never reached out to a stranger like that before Anna said. That was the day I became Ashley's FATHER. Notice how I don't name myself a Step-father, because in my eyes the term has no merit in this situation... I'm not going to bash and completely demean her real father but the man just didn't and still doesn't have a clue on what being a real father is all about.. I can remember Anna crying to me as she told me the things he had done in the past, like making her take Ashley with her in a blinding snowstorm because the "Fake Father" was to busy hanging with his buddies. She had also told me about the repeated attempts his mother had made to get Ashley taken away from her.. Basically it was just a living hell for Anna.

Then, I stepped in... I don't want to sound like a superhero here but when I take somebody in as a friend or as a significant other, NOBODY messes with them.. I won't have people taken advantage of that are important to me in my life. Ashley's fake father and his mother were throwing the kitchen sink at Anna, they betrayed her, labeled her, called child services on her and some other things that I can't even mention in this blog. Then the big one hit, she received a letter to appear in court because she supposedly owed him some money for a Dr. Bill.. Fair enough, Anna DID owe him the money. So we went to court, but we had a plan, and it was from that day on he and his momma learned to NEVER mess with me and Anna again.. I payed the money that was owed to him and then proceeded to nail him with a child support increase Of course we are talking about a man that when the first papers were filed, QUIT his job so he would have to pay the minimum support amount of 35 bucks a week. Yeah, that really helps alot. Anna could have bought some real keen DIAPERS with that.... Flash forward to Court. I remember the look we both exchanged with each other in court, we looked like two Boxers about to throw down right there and he knew I had him on the ropes in the 12'th round.. I then just gave him a smirky smile, he then just turned his head and I think he had realized that he finally met his match.. the end result.. the judge lashed at him for non-communication and he raised his support to 50 bucks a week.. Wow, Now Anna could buy the PREMIUM diapers.

Now MY Ashley is 14 years old.... 14!!! She is beautiful, has tons of friends and has the normal problems that every teenager has.. I couldn't be prouder. :) She comes to me if she needs "boy" advice.. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.. But you know what? It makes me just feel... feel.... I can't describe the feeling other than, GOOD, that she comes to me and not to the fake father. But I have to admit, when she goes to his house I feel a sense of loss.. God please forgive me but I want her all to myself, and I know that is wrong but I have also realized I'm going to have to deal with him for her entire life, so it helps me deal with it a little better..

Now unfortunately he has shown his true colors again... Ashley had to get braces, there was no maybe, she HAD to have them. He knew it MANY months in advance and guess who ended up footing the bill? That's right.. Us.. he owes us over 1,000 dollars and it burns my hide that I am going to be forced to walk him into court to make him pay us.. It's not fair to MY daughter, but with this whole situation I think she finally learned about what type of Man he truly is. She really got upset with him for not paying his share, and I hate myself for this, but it made me feel good that she was mad at him... He isn't a father, he just wants her for the good times and doesn't want to foot the bill for when the bad times arise..... That, my friends, isn't a Father.. That is a STEPFATHER...:) Much love to all of the Dad's out there that take care of their responsibility's.. Whether it be to your own biological children, or non-biological.. Love is the only constant that keeps our Fatherly roots fed. :) Until next time... Ciao

Matt

Let Me introduce myself..

Hey blog travelers!!Yes, this is a blog that will talk about life, kids, and everything in between!! My name is Matt.. I am married to my soul mate Anna and we have been blessed with 3 children; Ashley,14 Katie,10 and finally, the tyrant Eric, 7... I love just about everything and everybody... My life is pretty simple, my father and I own and operate an aerification company and yes, we fight just about as much as Lamont and Fred did in Sanford and son. Needless to say without him, I would be lost. Something you will notice about me as you get to know me is that I am a very emotional guy.. I speak my feelings very candidly and I'm never afraid to ever admit my faults..

Some of my loves are deer hunting, Indiana artifact hunting, Fishing, and especially the Weather.. I'm not your typical weather geek, I don't sit around in Louis glasses and do panty raids on Alpha Beta Cheerleaders, I just absolutely love the challenge of trying to predict the weather.. I have a great saying about the weather and this involves everyone.. "Everyone on the planet has to deal with the weather, so you might as well learn a little about it". Other than that I am just a typical Indiana cornfed boy trying to find his way in this crazy world.. If you are my friend I will do ANYTHING for you, no matter the time, day or consequence.. Just don't ask me to murder someone for you because my parole officer wouldn't like that too much.. (kidding kidding..) I've actually never been to jail!! I'm such a goody goody boy and you can most certainly see the halo above my head.. Haaaaaaaa, check that pig out flying over your head!!! This is a new experience for me and no subject will be taboo as far as I'm concerned, so sit back, relax and enjoy the nutty life that is all mine.. Remember, Life is what you make of it..

MattyG