So there I was yesterday, getting ready for church, looking forward to football afterward and BAM it hit me... My heart started racing, my mind started wondering and the racing thoughts of constant fear hit me all at once... Nothing even preempted this, but I have been through it far to often to recognize what it was.. I was having a pretty intense panic attack.. I have been an anxiety sufferer for 20+ years.. I still remember the first day in 5th grade that it started, that was way back before these conditions were even diagnosed... I went through High School with the condition and every day was a challenge for me.. Some Days I was an absolute wreck at School, some days I wasn't.. This isn't a 'oh I'm so sorry Matt' type of entry.. this is an entry to help maybe just one person that reads this to understand if a loved one or a friend may suffer from a mild-severe anxiety disorder...
The number one thing you cannot say to an anxiety sufferer is that you understand. If you don't suffer this condition then you just don't understand.. This is a beast of a whole different animal.. The physical and mental changes that these disorders can cause can be just devastating. In severe cases a person may not even be able to leave the house because of one of a bazillion possible fears... I can't tell you how giddy I was when my Dr. first told me that I am pretty high up there on the anxiety scale for a male.. Boy, thanks Dr.!! do I get a discount for being special? Hell no of course.. I often wonder if this is my main challenge in life, if it is then I would rather attempt to swim the Atlantic in shark infested waters..... Okay, Okay no I wouldn't but I would consider it if they had Frigging Laser Beams.. I have been through just about ever medication that you can think of and i have the same result with all of them, my body adjusts to it and they stop working after a period of time.. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to grow oversize teeth and develop a cheese diet.. I guess you could call me Matt the Rat... That is exactly what I feel like sometimes, a Lab Rat... I wonder why I cannot beat this on my own, Lord knows I've tried.. It wouldn't phase me if Kate Beckinsale was standing in front of me during an attack, nothing would work to get me out of it..(well if she was naked it would maybe drop it from severe to moderate) I just have to let it run its course and wonder if I'm going to get hit at again at some awkward moment.. I have a wife that trys to understand and sometimes I wonder if she would be better off without me because when I go through a spell, she takes quite a harsh beating word wise.. She knows when to sit with me and when to back off.. It's not fair to her that she has to see this and deal with it.. But I guess for Better or Worse, right?
If you happen to find this post and you know someone with this disorder than you have probably seen it all, but if you haven't then chances are you have. The reason I say that is because Anxiety sufferers can sometimes hide it VERY well. My theory on this is because we are so preoccupied with what is going on in our minds and our physical body that we give ourselves complete attention, detailing every little detail and analyzing every little move that we make. However, there are some signs that people cannot hide.. If people tend to disappear from large crowds without notice, they might suffer.. If you have preset plans with someone and they back out at the last minute, they might suffer, now I realize perfectly normal people do this quite often but Anxiety persons do it MUCH MUCH more frequently... With Anxiety the situation has to be 'right'.. If the situation or event doesn't feel right, or if the person felt good about it early in the day then changed their mind right before, then they will back out.. It's not their fault, as I am guilty of it myself, it's just a insecure feeling that the person will not be able to control and hide their fears in front of strangers or even friends. Some people give off telltale signs that they are struggling.. If your conversing with someone and the subject changes like 10 times every 5 seconds, then they might suffer.. That would mean their mind might be racing.. If you see a person disappearing quite often then they might suffer.. this would be because escape is the only cure for an episode.. I know back in the older days I would count down the hours until the event was over.. After it was over I was absolutely fine... There are countless other ways to tell, but I won't go into them here..
I wrote this entry today because I still haven't recovered fully from yesterday's massive attack.. nothing brought it on, absolutely NOTHING. I was just getting dressed and it hit.. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't feel pity, but dammit sometimes i just feel ANGER.. then I sit back and realize how much worse I could actually have it.. If God has designated this as my life challenge, then I hope someday I can pass the test.... Thanks for reading. :) Ciao for now
Matt
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