Lost

Without a doubt, today has been the worst day of my life.. I am extremely depressed, sensitive to everything, anxiety filled to the max, thinking Im a bother, afraid to talk to anyone, confused and I am now wondering how much longer I can go on like this. I even deactivated and reactivated my twitter account.. But I had to get away from some of my followers as there was some innapropriate messages being sent my way, not to mention one other family related thing

This is so DAM ridiculous.. people have much worse problems than I, but my mind is fixated on one stupid subject..... ME... ME ME ME ME ME... Im a jealous, greedy and undeserving person of what I have in my life... Yes, Im beating myself up.. Im better than this, I'm a good a person, why can't I just stop worrying?? I have 3 beautiful children.. I have a loving wife, I have the world basically but I'm still lost. I've went through 3 sessions of behavior cognitive therapy and none of my "exercises" are working.... I know my medication is failing me and I am praying to God as much as possible to help me but it is not working... Have you ever felt like you are stuck in a never ending nightmare that just feels like you are never going to recover?? That is me right now, I dread waking up tommorrow morning because Im afraid I will feel this same way.. I've went to bed the past 3 nights saying to myself "Matt you're gonna wake up better the next day" but the next day comes and I don't.. I try, I honestly do, but just when I thought i was making a leap for the better I have sunk back to the bottom again.. Im going to lose the woman I love if I cannot get out of this rut.. I'm ashamed to post this because I am usually a very upbeat and positive person, but right now, I am just completely Lost.. Is it the holidays?? the winter blues?? Constant worrying about what others think about me??..... Maybe someone out there will stumble upon this blog and offer some advice, because I am truly out of options... Im failing as a father, a husband and a friend to many people... Thank you for taking the time to read my rambles and I am truly sorry for being such a downer, but we all go through this in our life and right now is a time I'd much rather forget.... However, It does feel a little better to get it out...

Ciao for now

Matt

Marriage..

For 13 years I have been Married to the woman I love.. She gave me these 3 beautiful blessings.. :)

while it has been a trouble free and most passionate marriage, we have lost a litle bit of the the "spark" that we had. I honestly think it happens to every married couple at some point, we have just hit ours.... We had a very long talk yesterday morning, it was an hour to be exact and we both agreed we needed something to get our marriage going strong!! Don't get me wrong, we are never seperating, it's just that sometimes you hit a "stalemate" if you will and things just get boring... You come home with the same routines, dinner, kids, bed.... then Repeat.. It's Like the movie groudhog day but in real life. :) Anna is a very happy person, I've never really spoken about her in this blog until now.. She came from a very rough childhood with a Mother that didn't and to this day Still doesn't care.. Her Father was there for her But if you put Anna with the rest of her family, it's like a golden apple sticking out from a bunch of sour ones.... To this day I ask her if she was adopted!!! She is NOTHING... NOTHING like her brothers, and her mother.. Her father is okay, he at least comes around and stays in contact..

Back to our "talk" we both agreed to start seeing a marriage counselor.. Wow, talk about a mess, Im seeing a behavior Cognitive Therapist and now we are going to marriage counseling lol... But it isn't as bad as it sounds.. I believe our love is very strong and unconditional, we just need some "guidance" on how to get that spark reignited.. and we both agreed on that very fact.. :) This has been a rough past 2 months for me, full of breakdowns, insecurity, overractions, and at some times terror... Everyone has their personal demons and I am not ashamed to admit mine.. I'm not crazy, I'm human.. I do not want to be a part of anyone's life that claims their own life is perfect, because such a life doesn't exist... But what we make of ourselves is up to US and us only..I will close now with probably my most favorite picture EVER taken of my wife and my two girls.. You can truly see how blessed I am to be married to this wonderful woman and I am so happy that we are taking steps to "feel like newlyweds" again.. Thanks for reading.. I swear one of these days I will do a positive blog but getting these thoughts out on paper.... errrrrrr screen, really help me relax...

My beautiful bride and my two girls minus one ADD boy. :)

(Please pardon my stupidity but I cannot figure out how to move pictures to where I want them.... My beautiful bride is up top.. :P)

Ciao for now..

Matt

It's the times like tonight...

That I know I have done something right.. My heart is so filled with joy right now and it seems almost unbelieveable that it is all attributed to some words that came out of my 14 year old daughters mouth..

Tonight Ashley had her boyfriend over.. Yes I wont lie, I was a little nervous and very precautious but I said to myself, "Matt You trust this beautiful girl, let her go on her own and make her own decisions". So I sat downstairs and left them alone, passing the time looking at some weather info and social networking.. All in all he was here for over 3 hours!! I talked to him a few times and it's one of those instant "I like this kid" vibes that I get from him... I can spot a good from a bad person a mile away and this kid is a good one..

Anyway, his Dad came (who happens to be a high school buddy of mine) to pick him up, we chatted and Harrison was very polite in saying, "thanks for letting me come over!!" I told him "Anytime Buddy". I then let my fatherly instincts take over, I took Ashley into a room and shut the door.. She was looking at me like she had done something wrong, I instantly calmed her and said "Sweetie, I don't want to be intrusive but did you and Harrison have any interaction?" She said, "Yes we kissed 3 times" I said "is that all"?? ****Warning very emotional moment coming lol**** This was her response::::: "Daddy, I know about sex, i do not want to become a teenage mom, I have a whole life ahead of me and I want to make you and mommy proud of me".. She also went on to say she did not want to contract any diseases...

So being the emotional guy I am I started crying right on the spot and she asked what was wrong, i said.... "You have just made me the proudest father on the planet" and we proceeded with a hug that felt like it lasted a lifetime...

I have a ton of friends that were teenage mothers, My own wife was. Everyone of them turned out stronger and nothing but the better for it, God has a plan for ALL of us no matter what, but to hear my daughter at 14 know what she wants out of life just floored me... She isn't 14 to me tonight, she isnt a little girl anymore.. She is a woman.. And for this very reason I can safely say....... I am a proud papa this December 8th of 2010. I will never forget this day.. :)

Thanks for listening to my rant... Just wanted to get this out..:)

Ciao for now

Matt OUT..