Lost

Without a doubt, today has been the worst day of my life.. I am extremely depressed, sensitive to everything, anxiety filled to the max, thinking Im a bother, afraid to talk to anyone, confused and I am now wondering how much longer I can go on like this. I even deactivated and reactivated my twitter account.. But I had to get away from some of my followers as there was some innapropriate messages being sent my way, not to mention one other family related thing

This is so DAM ridiculous.. people have much worse problems than I, but my mind is fixated on one stupid subject..... ME... ME ME ME ME ME... Im a jealous, greedy and undeserving person of what I have in my life... Yes, Im beating myself up.. Im better than this, I'm a good a person, why can't I just stop worrying?? I have 3 beautiful children.. I have a loving wife, I have the world basically but I'm still lost. I've went through 3 sessions of behavior cognitive therapy and none of my "exercises" are working.... I know my medication is failing me and I am praying to God as much as possible to help me but it is not working... Have you ever felt like you are stuck in a never ending nightmare that just feels like you are never going to recover?? That is me right now, I dread waking up tommorrow morning because Im afraid I will feel this same way.. I've went to bed the past 3 nights saying to myself "Matt you're gonna wake up better the next day" but the next day comes and I don't.. I try, I honestly do, but just when I thought i was making a leap for the better I have sunk back to the bottom again.. Im going to lose the woman I love if I cannot get out of this rut.. I'm ashamed to post this because I am usually a very upbeat and positive person, but right now, I am just completely Lost.. Is it the holidays?? the winter blues?? Constant worrying about what others think about me??..... Maybe someone out there will stumble upon this blog and offer some advice, because I am truly out of options... Im failing as a father, a husband and a friend to many people... Thank you for taking the time to read my rambles and I am truly sorry for being such a downer, but we all go through this in our life and right now is a time I'd much rather forget.... However, It does feel a little better to get it out...

Ciao for now

Matt