Nothing but :)'s

I cannot say this any better... I.Feel.GOOD... I really REALLY do... My wife has noticed a difference, my children have noticed a difference, heck even my daughters hamsters have noticed a difference (don't ask, but they let me hold them now without going all red eyed and devilish on me continually trying to bite me).. Yes, I have changed medications and am now on prestiqe and abilify but I am going to credit this turnaround of my mood and anxiety to GOD.. But I cannot totally throw out the change in medication either as this is a very new drug, one that treats two chemicals in the brain instead of one..

The past two Sunday's at White River Christian Church I went up to our pastor at the end of services and he gathered the elders and prayed over me.. I feel guilty at times for always praying about myself but in order to take care of my family and friends I need to get myself right first, and I sooooo believe I am getting there... I still have oversensitivity issues with certain things but, in general, my overall well being and mood is just 100% improved.. here I am at 6:07 Am on January 21st and i cannot sleep because I'm looking forward to spending half a day with my wife.. She took half of a personal day so we can get some things done.. Yes, most of them involve spending money, but darn it, I just feel good....

Something that is really making me feel good about myself is that I am nailing my weather forecasts... I have to be honest, I want to get things right because it makes ME feel good when people say I did a good job... Whenever you can get compliments on something you LOVE to do, you need to jump in and go for it.. It's very satisfying and self fulfilling.. Even better?? I'm doing these forecasts on my own!!! I'm looking at various data that comes in with each storm and formulating my own thoughts as to what I think will happen.. I LOVE IT!!!

Basketball is going very well.. I'm not patient enough with Katie and Eric... Katie especially, I need to show more patience with her defense and her offensive play.. She could be a GREAT player if she wasn't so darn shy, but that is my daughter and it is her character.. it's something I must accept.. she will break out I know she will, it's just a matter of time.. Eric on the other hand, he HAS talent, he ISN'T shy, he just doesn't listen lol.. But what 7 (very soon to be 8 year old does?)

Overall I just wanted to put out a positive blog post for once and update my....... well next to nill following of how I feel... Hopefully someone will read this and make them feel a little better about their day today.. :) There is always light at the end of the tunnel, if I can make it out of the rut I was in, ANYONE can.... Live your life as you want, it's the only one we are given so we must take full advantage of times like these... Much love to everyone!!!! Here is too a positively ass kickin' 2011... Until next time.....

Ciao for now
Matt....... Out!!!!

It's 2011!!! Let's begin ANEW!!

2010 is a distant memory and I feel nothing but good things are in store for me and my family in 2011!! Enough of the depressing blogs, it's time to my very few readers (if any lol) to learn about the funny, and charming side of Matt.. :)

I am really excited about the opportunity of coaching my Son AND my daughters basketball teams... Yes, I could not stand by anymore and watch my daughters coach, coach alone with at least 5 other dads uninterested... So, I jumped in 2 weeks ago and said I would help and Viola!! I'm assistant coaching my daughters team as well.... It's going to be very trying and anxiety filled, but I am ready for the challenge!! Tonight I head to Eric's final practice before his first game on saturday.... superexcited (and nervous, I can't lie) about it!!! The best part of coaching is me and the coaches Im coaching with are not only instilling physical activity and basketball fundamentals, but we are spreading the word of God...

I also have a VERY exciting announcement coming..... Anna and I have been discussing it and this is just a huge opportunity for me to do something with my life that I absolutely LOVE!! So here is to a great 2011 for anyone who happens to stumble across this.. I know great things are in store for me, my friends and my family... I cannot wait to take this journey!!!!

Ciao for now
Matt

Lost

Without a doubt, today has been the worst day of my life.. I am extremely depressed, sensitive to everything, anxiety filled to the max, thinking Im a bother, afraid to talk to anyone, confused and I am now wondering how much longer I can go on like this. I even deactivated and reactivated my twitter account.. But I had to get away from some of my followers as there was some innapropriate messages being sent my way, not to mention one other family related thing

This is so DAM ridiculous.. people have much worse problems than I, but my mind is fixated on one stupid subject..... ME... ME ME ME ME ME... Im a jealous, greedy and undeserving person of what I have in my life... Yes, Im beating myself up.. Im better than this, I'm a good a person, why can't I just stop worrying?? I have 3 beautiful children.. I have a loving wife, I have the world basically but I'm still lost. I've went through 3 sessions of behavior cognitive therapy and none of my "exercises" are working.... I know my medication is failing me and I am praying to God as much as possible to help me but it is not working... Have you ever felt like you are stuck in a never ending nightmare that just feels like you are never going to recover?? That is me right now, I dread waking up tommorrow morning because Im afraid I will feel this same way.. I've went to bed the past 3 nights saying to myself "Matt you're gonna wake up better the next day" but the next day comes and I don't.. I try, I honestly do, but just when I thought i was making a leap for the better I have sunk back to the bottom again.. Im going to lose the woman I love if I cannot get out of this rut.. I'm ashamed to post this because I am usually a very upbeat and positive person, but right now, I am just completely Lost.. Is it the holidays?? the winter blues?? Constant worrying about what others think about me??..... Maybe someone out there will stumble upon this blog and offer some advice, because I am truly out of options... Im failing as a father, a husband and a friend to many people... Thank you for taking the time to read my rambles and I am truly sorry for being such a downer, but we all go through this in our life and right now is a time I'd much rather forget.... However, It does feel a little better to get it out...

Ciao for now

Matt

Marriage..

For 13 years I have been Married to the woman I love.. She gave me these 3 beautiful blessings.. :)

while it has been a trouble free and most passionate marriage, we have lost a litle bit of the the "spark" that we had. I honestly think it happens to every married couple at some point, we have just hit ours.... We had a very long talk yesterday morning, it was an hour to be exact and we both agreed we needed something to get our marriage going strong!! Don't get me wrong, we are never seperating, it's just that sometimes you hit a "stalemate" if you will and things just get boring... You come home with the same routines, dinner, kids, bed.... then Repeat.. It's Like the movie groudhog day but in real life. :) Anna is a very happy person, I've never really spoken about her in this blog until now.. She came from a very rough childhood with a Mother that didn't and to this day Still doesn't care.. Her Father was there for her But if you put Anna with the rest of her family, it's like a golden apple sticking out from a bunch of sour ones.... To this day I ask her if she was adopted!!! She is NOTHING... NOTHING like her brothers, and her mother.. Her father is okay, he at least comes around and stays in contact..

Back to our "talk" we both agreed to start seeing a marriage counselor.. Wow, talk about a mess, Im seeing a behavior Cognitive Therapist and now we are going to marriage counseling lol... But it isn't as bad as it sounds.. I believe our love is very strong and unconditional, we just need some "guidance" on how to get that spark reignited.. and we both agreed on that very fact.. :) This has been a rough past 2 months for me, full of breakdowns, insecurity, overractions, and at some times terror... Everyone has their personal demons and I am not ashamed to admit mine.. I'm not crazy, I'm human.. I do not want to be a part of anyone's life that claims their own life is perfect, because such a life doesn't exist... But what we make of ourselves is up to US and us only..I will close now with probably my most favorite picture EVER taken of my wife and my two girls.. You can truly see how blessed I am to be married to this wonderful woman and I am so happy that we are taking steps to "feel like newlyweds" again.. Thanks for reading.. I swear one of these days I will do a positive blog but getting these thoughts out on paper.... errrrrrr screen, really help me relax...

My beautiful bride and my two girls minus one ADD boy. :)

(Please pardon my stupidity but I cannot figure out how to move pictures to where I want them.... My beautiful bride is up top.. :P)

Ciao for now..

Matt

It's the times like tonight...

That I know I have done something right.. My heart is so filled with joy right now and it seems almost unbelieveable that it is all attributed to some words that came out of my 14 year old daughters mouth..

Tonight Ashley had her boyfriend over.. Yes I wont lie, I was a little nervous and very precautious but I said to myself, "Matt You trust this beautiful girl, let her go on her own and make her own decisions". So I sat downstairs and left them alone, passing the time looking at some weather info and social networking.. All in all he was here for over 3 hours!! I talked to him a few times and it's one of those instant "I like this kid" vibes that I get from him... I can spot a good from a bad person a mile away and this kid is a good one..

Anyway, his Dad came (who happens to be a high school buddy of mine) to pick him up, we chatted and Harrison was very polite in saying, "thanks for letting me come over!!" I told him "Anytime Buddy". I then let my fatherly instincts take over, I took Ashley into a room and shut the door.. She was looking at me like she had done something wrong, I instantly calmed her and said "Sweetie, I don't want to be intrusive but did you and Harrison have any interaction?" She said, "Yes we kissed 3 times" I said "is that all"?? ****Warning very emotional moment coming lol**** This was her response::::: "Daddy, I know about sex, i do not want to become a teenage mom, I have a whole life ahead of me and I want to make you and mommy proud of me".. She also went on to say she did not want to contract any diseases...

So being the emotional guy I am I started crying right on the spot and she asked what was wrong, i said.... "You have just made me the proudest father on the planet" and we proceeded with a hug that felt like it lasted a lifetime...

I have a ton of friends that were teenage mothers, My own wife was. Everyone of them turned out stronger and nothing but the better for it, God has a plan for ALL of us no matter what, but to hear my daughter at 14 know what she wants out of life just floored me... She isn't 14 to me tonight, she isnt a little girl anymore.. She is a woman.. And for this very reason I can safely say....... I am a proud papa this December 8th of 2010. I will never forget this day.. :)

Thanks for listening to my rant... Just wanted to get this out..:)

Ciao for now

Matt OUT..

Will I ever be okay..??

I wish I had the answers, I wish I knew.. But, I don't. Sometimes I can hide it, sometimes I can't. Perhaps getting it out on writing will make me feel better? I am having a horrible time right now with what I believe to be anxiety medication withdrawl's.. The real me is locked up right now, trapped, trying to get out.. People in the past week have seen sides of me that were NOT ME, and yes, God help me, my children have seen these sides.. I hate these medicines that my Dr has put me on. They were supposed to help me, not hurt me??.... I try to get up in the morning with a positive attitude, but I can't get past the chemical imbalance that these terrible anti anxiety drugs have caused. I am constantly worrying right now to the point of exhaustion.. What am I worrying about? Everything.. My family, my friends, myself.. To put it in laymans terms, I am a mess and I need cleaned up.. This is NOT fair for my wife and my children and I hate myself for putting them through this.. I basically have nobody to talk to and I worry that I will bother someone if I do.. My mother has been a godsend and she helps whenever she can, but my father is just clueless.. I love him to death but he doesn't understand that sometimes you just can't think these types of problems away. So in an effort to free the trapped REAL me (if you will) I have taken the inititiave to get myself well!! I had my first appointment last week with a cognitive behavior therapist.. My second appointment is tommorrow and I pray to God that she can help me retrain my mind into thinking more positive and stopping the negative thoughts as they enter my mind.

I am excited and nervous about this opportunity.. She tells me that it is never too late to retrain your mind and body to a more positive atmosphere, but it feels like it is so impossible to do. I can't really describe the feeling other how I feel.. As I write this I feel very ashamed of myself because there are other people out there with much deeper problems than me.. If you happen to come across this blog entry and you yourself feel this way, let me know.. I understand, believe me I do.. I care so much for others that suffer through this, as it is truly HELL.. But even Hell doesn't last forever.. Brighter shores and greener pastures are out there waiting for me.. I am going to beat this, and I'm going to be back better than ever.. there will be ups and downs, but I will take the hits as they come and hit right back.. :)

Thanks for reading
Ciao for now
Matt

Why I suck as a friend.

This is not a guilt post, this is not a lets feel sorry for Matt post.. This is me putting all of my negative qualitys for the entire blogging world to see... Yesterday I had a horrible day.. My cousin who I thought I could trust lied to me.. It wasn't the fact that he lied, which I already wont tolerate from ANYONE, it was what he lied about that devestated me.. How could someone tell me their son has cancer and needs medical help, when it was a ploy all along to get money from me for his drug addiction...It's truly staggering to me that just when you think you know someone who you have have known all of your life does this.. I am a devout christian and I am having a tough time today asking God for forgiveness because I am not sure if I can ever forgive this.. The worst part is that his son really does have leukemia, but my money wasn't used for his well being, but for a habit... I am really struggling right now on if I should feel sorry for him, or pray for him.

Anyway I then let these feelings linger on through the day and every negative quality I have just poured out the rest of the day.. I am afraid I have damaged another friendship because I was putting my own selfish needs first when it was in fact a time when I should have been there and supportive for the other friend who has shown nothing but love for me and my wife since the day we met... My wife and I do not let many people into our lives, and the people we do let in are there for one reason.. We see something in those people/person that wants us to lean and be leaned on for when they/them are in a time of need.. But that is not the most important quality.. Rare it is when these special people come along because this world, unfortunately, is full of theives, liars, manipulators and scammers.. I know I'm only 35 but I have seen enough to know how to read people... So when you find those people/person's you need to hold on tight and never let go, because it just doesn't happen often..

Perhaps my most horrible trait that HAS TO STOP is meddling in my wife's life and affairs.. Anna is very vunerable to being used, she cannot view this blog so I am not upset in saying that she is rather nieve when it comes to the outside world... I truly love her with all of my heart but I do not know when the time for me is going to come when I am going to stop worrying about her and let her lead her own life,... Last night I once again meddled in her affairs.. Feeling jealous, confused and questioning someone that I had no right to question.. I didn't sleep all night, I tossed and turned, why?? I can tell you why, because once again, I screwed up, and as a Man I must admit this... Don't ever shy away from your mistakes, those who admit their faults are much much more human than those who deny they have any.. I, have many faults... Oversensitivity, Impulsiveness, Assumptions that are not true, the list goes on...... and on...Perhaps my biggest fault is jealousy.. Jealousy for my wife.. This is a horrible feeling and one that eats at me everyday... "Is Anna putting a good impression in"? "Do people truly like my wife or do they feel sorry for her?" "Is she saying the right things"? It is truly ridiculous that I feel this way and I would chop off my right arm to just have this feeling disappear, but this is reality not fiction.. I must figure out how to trust the woman I love and letting her lead her own life instead of forcing things onto her. Because, quite frankly, if I continue this childish behavior I may lose her...And last night, she made that very clear to me..

I hope I don't lose any friends whether it be from Twitter or from real life over this, because Twitter really has made me laugh over the past year/half.. But Sometimes it is much easier for me to get my feelings out in writing rather than words... I hope I didn't bore you all to death, I will leave you with this phrase... Love one, Love all but most important Love each other...Without companionship the soul is empty..


This is Matt (yes i swear Im a guy, but with deep emotions that Im not afraid to admit), Signing off...
Ciao