This is not a guilt post, this is not a lets feel sorry for Matt post.. This is me putting all of my negative qualitys for the entire blogging world to see... Yesterday I had a horrible day.. My cousin who I thought I could trust lied to me.. It wasn't the fact that he lied, which I already wont tolerate from ANYONE, it was what he lied about that devestated me.. How could someone tell me their son has cancer and needs medical help, when it was a ploy all along to get money from me for his drug addiction...It's truly staggering to me that just when you think you know someone who you have have known all of your life does this.. I am a devout christian and I am having a tough time today asking God for forgiveness because I am not sure if I can ever forgive this.. The worst part is that his son really does have leukemia, but my money wasn't used for his well being, but for a habit... I am really struggling right now on if I should feel sorry for him, or pray for him.
Anyway I then let these feelings linger on through the day and every negative quality I have just poured out the rest of the day.. I am afraid I have damaged another friendship because I was putting my own selfish needs first when it was in fact a time when I should have been there and supportive for the other friend who has shown nothing but love for me and my wife since the day we met... My wife and I do not let many people into our lives, and the people we do let in are there for one reason.. We see something in those people/person that wants us to lean and be leaned on for when they/them are in a time of need.. But that is not the most important quality.. Rare it is when these special people come along because this world, unfortunately, is full of theives, liars, manipulators and scammers.. I know I'm only 35 but I have seen enough to know how to read people... So when you find those people/person's you need to hold on tight and never let go, because it just doesn't happen often..
Perhaps my most horrible trait that HAS TO STOP is meddling in my wife's life and affairs.. Anna is very vunerable to being used, she cannot view this blog so I am not upset in saying that she is rather nieve when it comes to the outside world... I truly love her with all of my heart but I do not know when the time for me is going to come when I am going to stop worrying about her and let her lead her own life,... Last night I once again meddled in her affairs.. Feeling jealous, confused and questioning someone that I had no right to question.. I didn't sleep all night, I tossed and turned, why?? I can tell you why, because once again, I screwed up, and as a Man I must admit this... Don't ever shy away from your mistakes, those who admit their faults are much much more human than those who deny they have any.. I, have many faults... Oversensitivity, Impulsiveness, Assumptions that are not true, the list goes on...... and on...Perhaps my biggest fault is jealousy.. Jealousy for my wife.. This is a horrible feeling and one that eats at me everyday... "Is Anna putting a good impression in"? "Do people truly like my wife or do they feel sorry for her?" "Is she saying the right things"? It is truly ridiculous that I feel this way and I would chop off my right arm to just have this feeling disappear, but this is reality not fiction.. I must figure out how to trust the woman I love and letting her lead her own life instead of forcing things onto her. Because, quite frankly, if I continue this childish behavior I may lose her...And last night, she made that very clear to me..
I hope I don't lose any friends whether it be from Twitter or from real life over this, because Twitter really has made me laugh over the past year/half.. But Sometimes it is much easier for me to get my feelings out in writing rather than words... I hope I didn't bore you all to death, I will leave you with this phrase... Love one, Love all but most important Love each other...Without companionship the soul is empty..
This is Matt (yes i swear Im a guy, but with deep emotions that Im not afraid to admit), Signing off...
Ciao
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