I wish I had the answers, I wish I knew.. But, I don't. Sometimes I can hide it, sometimes I can't. Perhaps getting it out on writing will make me feel better? I am having a horrible time right now with what I believe to be anxiety medication withdrawl's.. The real me is locked up right now, trapped, trying to get out.. People in the past week have seen sides of me that were NOT ME, and yes, God help me, my children have seen these sides.. I hate these medicines that my Dr has put me on. They were supposed to help me, not hurt me??.... I try to get up in the morning with a positive attitude, but I can't get past the chemical imbalance that these terrible anti anxiety drugs have caused. I am constantly worrying right now to the point of exhaustion.. What am I worrying about? Everything.. My family, my friends, myself.. To put it in laymans terms, I am a mess and I need cleaned up.. This is NOT fair for my wife and my children and I hate myself for putting them through this.. I basically have nobody to talk to and I worry that I will bother someone if I do.. My mother has been a godsend and she helps whenever she can, but my father is just clueless.. I love him to death but he doesn't understand that sometimes you just can't think these types of problems away. So in an effort to free the trapped REAL me (if you will) I have taken the inititiave to get myself well!! I had my first appointment last week with a cognitive behavior therapist.. My second appointment is tommorrow and I pray to God that she can help me retrain my mind into thinking more positive and stopping the negative thoughts as they enter my mind.
I am excited and nervous about this opportunity.. She tells me that it is never too late to retrain your mind and body to a more positive atmosphere, but it feels like it is so impossible to do. I can't really describe the feeling other how I feel.. As I write this I feel very ashamed of myself because there are other people out there with much deeper problems than me.. If you happen to come across this blog entry and you yourself feel this way, let me know.. I understand, believe me I do.. I care so much for others that suffer through this, as it is truly HELL.. But even Hell doesn't last forever.. Brighter shores and greener pastures are out there waiting for me.. I am going to beat this, and I'm going to be back better than ever.. there will be ups and downs, but I will take the hits as they come and hit right back.. :)
Thanks for reading
Ciao for now
Matt
Monday, November 29, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Why I suck as a friend.
This is not a guilt post, this is not a lets feel sorry for Matt post.. This is me putting all of my negative qualitys for the entire blogging world to see... Yesterday I had a horrible day.. My cousin who I thought I could trust lied to me.. It wasn't the fact that he lied, which I already wont tolerate from ANYONE, it was what he lied about that devestated me.. How could someone tell me their son has cancer and needs medical help, when it was a ploy all along to get money from me for his drug addiction...It's truly staggering to me that just when you think you know someone who you have have known all of your life does this.. I am a devout christian and I am having a tough time today asking God for forgiveness because I am not sure if I can ever forgive this.. The worst part is that his son really does have leukemia, but my money wasn't used for his well being, but for a habit... I am really struggling right now on if I should feel sorry for him, or pray for him.
Anyway I then let these feelings linger on through the day and every negative quality I have just poured out the rest of the day.. I am afraid I have damaged another friendship because I was putting my own selfish needs first when it was in fact a time when I should have been there and supportive for the other friend who has shown nothing but love for me and my wife since the day we met... My wife and I do not let many people into our lives, and the people we do let in are there for one reason.. We see something in those people/person that wants us to lean and be leaned on for when they/them are in a time of need.. But that is not the most important quality.. Rare it is when these special people come along because this world, unfortunately, is full of theives, liars, manipulators and scammers.. I know I'm only 35 but I have seen enough to know how to read people... So when you find those people/person's you need to hold on tight and never let go, because it just doesn't happen often..
Perhaps my most horrible trait that HAS TO STOP is meddling in my wife's life and affairs.. Anna is very vunerable to being used, she cannot view this blog so I am not upset in saying that she is rather nieve when it comes to the outside world... I truly love her with all of my heart but I do not know when the time for me is going to come when I am going to stop worrying about her and let her lead her own life,... Last night I once again meddled in her affairs.. Feeling jealous, confused and questioning someone that I had no right to question.. I didn't sleep all night, I tossed and turned, why?? I can tell you why, because once again, I screwed up, and as a Man I must admit this... Don't ever shy away from your mistakes, those who admit their faults are much much more human than those who deny they have any.. I, have many faults... Oversensitivity, Impulsiveness, Assumptions that are not true, the list goes on...... and on...Perhaps my biggest fault is jealousy.. Jealousy for my wife.. This is a horrible feeling and one that eats at me everyday... "Is Anna putting a good impression in"? "Do people truly like my wife or do they feel sorry for her?" "Is she saying the right things"? It is truly ridiculous that I feel this way and I would chop off my right arm to just have this feeling disappear, but this is reality not fiction.. I must figure out how to trust the woman I love and letting her lead her own life instead of forcing things onto her. Because, quite frankly, if I continue this childish behavior I may lose her...And last night, she made that very clear to me..
I hope I don't lose any friends whether it be from Twitter or from real life over this, because Twitter really has made me laugh over the past year/half.. But Sometimes it is much easier for me to get my feelings out in writing rather than words... I hope I didn't bore you all to death, I will leave you with this phrase... Love one, Love all but most important Love each other...Without companionship the soul is empty..
This is Matt (yes i swear Im a guy, but with deep emotions that Im not afraid to admit), Signing off...
Ciao
Anyway I then let these feelings linger on through the day and every negative quality I have just poured out the rest of the day.. I am afraid I have damaged another friendship because I was putting my own selfish needs first when it was in fact a time when I should have been there and supportive for the other friend who has shown nothing but love for me and my wife since the day we met... My wife and I do not let many people into our lives, and the people we do let in are there for one reason.. We see something in those people/person that wants us to lean and be leaned on for when they/them are in a time of need.. But that is not the most important quality.. Rare it is when these special people come along because this world, unfortunately, is full of theives, liars, manipulators and scammers.. I know I'm only 35 but I have seen enough to know how to read people... So when you find those people/person's you need to hold on tight and never let go, because it just doesn't happen often..
Perhaps my most horrible trait that HAS TO STOP is meddling in my wife's life and affairs.. Anna is very vunerable to being used, she cannot view this blog so I am not upset in saying that she is rather nieve when it comes to the outside world... I truly love her with all of my heart but I do not know when the time for me is going to come when I am going to stop worrying about her and let her lead her own life,... Last night I once again meddled in her affairs.. Feeling jealous, confused and questioning someone that I had no right to question.. I didn't sleep all night, I tossed and turned, why?? I can tell you why, because once again, I screwed up, and as a Man I must admit this... Don't ever shy away from your mistakes, those who admit their faults are much much more human than those who deny they have any.. I, have many faults... Oversensitivity, Impulsiveness, Assumptions that are not true, the list goes on...... and on...Perhaps my biggest fault is jealousy.. Jealousy for my wife.. This is a horrible feeling and one that eats at me everyday... "Is Anna putting a good impression in"? "Do people truly like my wife or do they feel sorry for her?" "Is she saying the right things"? It is truly ridiculous that I feel this way and I would chop off my right arm to just have this feeling disappear, but this is reality not fiction.. I must figure out how to trust the woman I love and letting her lead her own life instead of forcing things onto her. Because, quite frankly, if I continue this childish behavior I may lose her...And last night, she made that very clear to me..
I hope I don't lose any friends whether it be from Twitter or from real life over this, because Twitter really has made me laugh over the past year/half.. But Sometimes it is much easier for me to get my feelings out in writing rather than words... I hope I didn't bore you all to death, I will leave you with this phrase... Love one, Love all but most important Love each other...Without companionship the soul is empty..
This is Matt (yes i swear Im a guy, but with deep emotions that Im not afraid to admit), Signing off...
Ciao
Monday, November 8, 2010
A 12 year road ended for me today!!!
All of my 2 followers that read this, if you even do, will be happy to know that today I reached a MILESTONE.. Sure, it's pretty insignificant in others lives, but in mine.... WOW!!
12 years ago I stumbled across a Nationally Syndicated Sports talk show called The Jim Rome Show... Locally he is on 1260 Wnde A.M. He instantly grew on me because this guy KNOWS.HIS.STUFF about everything sports related.. He has a very unique show, if you've heard it then you know his style, if you haven't, then you need to give him a couple of weeks so you can get used to his "style" which is quite different from most other wannabe sports radio hosts.
Anyway, Jim doesn't like taking phone calls because most of the callers just suck, so the only really good way to get through to him is email.... Until Twitter came along.. :) He hated twitter at first, then it grew on him and now he periodically reads tweets @him on the show... We are only talking 2-3 tweets each show IF THAT..
After 12 years of trying to get through to Jim and MANY MANY of my friends who have failed he read one of my tweets on air today!!!!!! Over 2 million of his listeners heard this tweet.... @jimrome Dear Wade, hit it again... Sincerely, the ejection seat on Jer Jer's private plane....MattinIndy... Now, Let me explain what this tweet meant for the non listener... Jim is a HUGE fan of Die Hard with Bruce Willis... He loves the scene where Hans Gruber tells his lacky terrorist buddys to send another rocket hurtling towards that tank in the plaza.. Wade stood for Wade Phillips as in the EX Cowboys coach who was just fired and Jer Jer was Jerry Jones, the owner of the Cowboy organization... So, essentially, I was using the 'Jim Rome' language that is used on his show as a showing by me that Wade Phillips was gonna get fired today.. (which he did a few hours ago)
So, in my mind, I reached stardom today.. I know people will read this, shake their heads and think "wow what a loser!!!" but in the end over a MILLION people heard my tweet to Jim Rome's world wide nationally syndicated talk show today, and it completely made my day... Now, I will go back out and try to find a life.. ;)
Here is the proof Im not lying... He archives all of his read tweets on the air and puts them on his website... MattyG is right izup there boyeeee.. ;)
http://www.jimrome.com/pages/twitter-clones
Until next time...
Ciao for now.
Matt O-U-T
12 years ago I stumbled across a Nationally Syndicated Sports talk show called The Jim Rome Show... Locally he is on 1260 Wnde A.M. He instantly grew on me because this guy KNOWS.HIS.STUFF about everything sports related.. He has a very unique show, if you've heard it then you know his style, if you haven't, then you need to give him a couple of weeks so you can get used to his "style" which is quite different from most other wannabe sports radio hosts.
Anyway, Jim doesn't like taking phone calls because most of the callers just suck, so the only really good way to get through to him is email.... Until Twitter came along.. :) He hated twitter at first, then it grew on him and now he periodically reads tweets @him on the show... We are only talking 2-3 tweets each show IF THAT..
After 12 years of trying to get through to Jim and MANY MANY of my friends who have failed he read one of my tweets on air today!!!!!! Over 2 million of his listeners heard this tweet.... @jimrome Dear Wade, hit it again... Sincerely, the ejection seat on Jer Jer's private plane....MattinIndy... Now, Let me explain what this tweet meant for the non listener... Jim is a HUGE fan of Die Hard with Bruce Willis... He loves the scene where Hans Gruber tells his lacky terrorist buddys to send another rocket hurtling towards that tank in the plaza.. Wade stood for Wade Phillips as in the EX Cowboys coach who was just fired and Jer Jer was Jerry Jones, the owner of the Cowboy organization... So, essentially, I was using the 'Jim Rome' language that is used on his show as a showing by me that Wade Phillips was gonna get fired today.. (which he did a few hours ago)
So, in my mind, I reached stardom today.. I know people will read this, shake their heads and think "wow what a loser!!!" but in the end over a MILLION people heard my tweet to Jim Rome's world wide nationally syndicated talk show today, and it completely made my day... Now, I will go back out and try to find a life.. ;)
Here is the proof Im not lying... He archives all of his read tweets on the air and puts them on his website... MattyG is right izup there boyeeee.. ;)
http://www.jimrome.com/pages/twitter-clones
Until next time...
Ciao for now.
Matt O-U-T
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