Will I ever be okay..??

I wish I had the answers, I wish I knew.. But, I don't. Sometimes I can hide it, sometimes I can't. Perhaps getting it out on writing will make me feel better? I am having a horrible time right now with what I believe to be anxiety medication withdrawl's.. The real me is locked up right now, trapped, trying to get out.. People in the past week have seen sides of me that were NOT ME, and yes, God help me, my children have seen these sides.. I hate these medicines that my Dr has put me on. They were supposed to help me, not hurt me??.... I try to get up in the morning with a positive attitude, but I can't get past the chemical imbalance that these terrible anti anxiety drugs have caused. I am constantly worrying right now to the point of exhaustion.. What am I worrying about? Everything.. My family, my friends, myself.. To put it in laymans terms, I am a mess and I need cleaned up.. This is NOT fair for my wife and my children and I hate myself for putting them through this.. I basically have nobody to talk to and I worry that I will bother someone if I do.. My mother has been a godsend and she helps whenever she can, but my father is just clueless.. I love him to death but he doesn't understand that sometimes you just can't think these types of problems away. So in an effort to free the trapped REAL me (if you will) I have taken the inititiave to get myself well!! I had my first appointment last week with a cognitive behavior therapist.. My second appointment is tommorrow and I pray to God that she can help me retrain my mind into thinking more positive and stopping the negative thoughts as they enter my mind.

I am excited and nervous about this opportunity.. She tells me that it is never too late to retrain your mind and body to a more positive atmosphere, but it feels like it is so impossible to do. I can't really describe the feeling other how I feel.. As I write this I feel very ashamed of myself because there are other people out there with much deeper problems than me.. If you happen to come across this blog entry and you yourself feel this way, let me know.. I understand, believe me I do.. I care so much for others that suffer through this, as it is truly HELL.. But even Hell doesn't last forever.. Brighter shores and greener pastures are out there waiting for me.. I am going to beat this, and I'm going to be back better than ever.. there will be ups and downs, but I will take the hits as they come and hit right back.. :)

Thanks for reading
Ciao for now
Matt